The Little Things

They say that life changes when you have a child, well I have to say it is very true. Not only because of the obvious but for other intangibles. The overall view of things become so much more meaningful. It's amazing some of those "chick flicks" I used to make fun of, take new meanings. My overall view has been altered some for good and some for bad. I expected my life to change, just not in this way.

"I Love You"

Before Averi was born I often took for granted my time with Carrie. I knew she would be there when I got back and didn't much think of her when I left for something or other. With that said I would often repeat the normal to her and depart. I don't often say "I Love you", simply because I don't believe the phrase should be thrown around. I believe when I say "I love you" it should last and it should be remembered. Carrie before she leaves always says she loves me. I often let that set, even if I am half asleep, I remember it. She may not know that but when someone says I love you, I take it in, call it what you will, I know it is kind of weird.

I don't say "I love you" to my family enough. I cannot remember the last time I told any one in my family "I love you." I despise the fact I cannot say it without hesitancy.

Having Averi makes me realize that even more. I make a point of it to tell her I love her when it is just her and me. I whisper the phrase softly in her ear every day at least once a day, hoping she will understand. This may sound funny but every time I tell her I love her, an overwhelming feeling comes over me, it's indescribable.

I think for me I have always associated the phrase with "Goodbye", anyone who knows me knows I hate goodbye. My phrases consist of, farewell, so long or see you later. I have memories of people saying "I love you" to me or someone else and all of them seem sad.

I remember my Grandpa going into heart surgery, this is the first time I saw fear radiate through my him. He was laying in the hospital bed and while I was the last one aside from my Nana to leave the room, my Nana leaned over the rail, kissed him and whispered "I love you, you are going to be okay, I love you". I saw true love with that moment along with a slew of other emotions.

Along the same line my other grandpa was in bad shape and my dad, brother and I flew to see him. I have seen my dad cry two other times prior to this and to see him wear his heart on his sleeve was an emotionally impactful experience. I am an emotional person much more than my brother Dave and my dad. When my dad, with tears in his eyes, said "I love you Dad" I looked to my brother and saw him shed a tear. The two people in my life that hold their emotions in more than anyone I know expressed their emotion, and to this day has a profound effect on me.

Last but certainly not least, my mom is where I get my emotional make-up. She often wears her heart on her sleeve. I fully have succumb to the fact that I am a momma's boy. The day I left for college, she hugged me tight and with tears rolling down her face she said "I love you son." I will never forget that moment.

Home Sweet Home

I am now 27 years-old. I have a wife and child. My home sweet home is now with them. There is nothing like the feeling of being away on a long trip, coming back home, sitting on your own couch and being around your family. When I first started my job I was still living at home and it was refreshing to come back and hang out with my parents, brothers and sister and still is might I add. When I moved in with Carrie it was the same feeling.

Now that Averi is here, that feeling has changed. When I get home and see that little girl looking up at me and when my first words to her are met with a smile, life's challenges become so minuscule. It seems like every time I see here after being away for some time, even just from night to morning, it is like I have been away for years. It is an amazing feeling.

Mindfulness

For much of this past Christmas break, Averi would wake up around four and then around seven. At the seven o'clock wake up we would bring Averi into our bed and we would all just lay and fall back asleep. When we would wake up again, just playing, talking, no TV, no phone, no distractions whatsoever, just Carrie, Averi and me. I am very mindful of those moments and am trying to practice mindfulness more routinely. I want to look back at those times with a vivid memory and be able to recall the detail.

I want to remember all of this as I age. I want to look back, see my brother kiss Averi on her forehead, see my mom hug Carrie, play catch with my dad, see my sister with a new purse and on and on and on. Those little details make me happy and I hope one day I can express these memories with great detail to those that wish to listen.