Recomposed

Over these past 5 years, I have learned a lot about the world, people and most importantly myself. I feel like I have grown enormously over these years and as time goes on I know it will only grow more and become an even better person.

My world has become significantly simplified and Carrie, while at first hesitant, embraced my new found ways and eventually jumped on with me. Carrie has been so supportive since her and I met. As some know, I try to make my life simple and by doing so I have made my world all the more comfortable, however this came with a price. I found something to help about five years ago and while guilt plagued my first few years, I am now at peace with my

decisions. (sounds all zennish, weird)

For the past few years, I would fight with myself constantly and force myself into beliefs and therefore pushing my guilt further and further through the roof. I would lie to people, just because I knew that is what they wanted to hear, I began to have an internal war day in and day out.

I grew up a certain way, my family, particularly my mom always had a strong belief and was often vocal. My dad on the other hand has always been fairly open minded, nonetheless was always strong in faith. We rarely talked of faith, I think for the most part it was just expected, likewise it was ingrained in me as well, in my mind there is no other way.

(Personally, I think faith is great, our plan for Averi is to have her baptized, but as you can imagine, let her feel and think the way she wants. I definitely am not that guy to push a feeling on someone.)

After years of detriment these past two years have been so much better. I realized how much I was holding onto, both physically and mentally. I found myself cluttering my mind and life with stuff because I just didn't want to let go. I had stuff from high school and earlier, sitting in storage around the house and in my mind, needless to say I was cluttering my life. I now have a small, four inch by four inch tin box that houses everything. It was a lot easier than most would think and in all honesty I feel better.

With that said, this was one thing Carrie fought the most, while I never forced her to let anything go, there were several advertent remarks. Times I knew new I could make the most progress was when her mom would give her stuff boxes of things from her childhood, Carrie would gasp ask the rhetorical question, "who keeps that?". Eventually Carrie and I went through every piece of, well stuff, she had and narrowed it all down to a small box.

During the somewhat painful process of elimination, I got to learn a lot about Carrie and I think Carrie had fun with it eventually. She got to tell me more about her life than I ever really knew. I think if it were her doing it by herself, there would have been a lot more boxes kept. :) Carrie and I have both continued to rid our lives of the stuff that is replaceable.

The next step for me was and still is to keep my mind clutter free as well. Through writing and daily brain dumps as I will refer to them as, I have helped myself and likely those around me from my inner mayhem. Instead of ridding my self of certain feelings, I embrace them. Instead of always trying to make myself happy, I let it be. Sometimes, I feel shitty, sometimes I feel angry and sometimes I feel happy, while I like to be happy, what is so wrong with being pissed or sad?

I often would loathe in self pity or feel completely guilty for being angry at someone. I found out, that is just how it is. Three years ago I would forget that, with every blink, with every step, life is moving on and all of my feelings would soon wane too. Today, sometimes I am just pissed, sometimes for the moment sad and the moment I began to embrace, I began to understand

those emotions a bit more.

Anger, guilt, sadness, happiness or whatever it may be will nonetheless dissipate so while in

those states of emotion, I bask in them, if Think about them, think about why because within

minutes it probably will not be there for long. Needless to say, while it may be hard for some to understand this, it has made perfect sense to me.

There is one thing I have notice during my de-cluttering lifestyle, it is a constant practice, taking

days off require many catch up sessions. In many ways I like that part. I like that this is a daily part of my life. Before, I would only use things at certain times, or when I needed it or wondered why it wasn't there when I needed it, which led me to guilt.

As I write this, I look across the street and see what has made so much of me, me. I appreciate it, but for the first time I am looking back at it and not feeling any guilt.

Too Fast!!!

The year is moving by super fast, it seems like just yesterday we were celebrating Christmas. It's August 1st, baseball season is over, Nick graduated high school, Sis got her associates degree, Carrie got a job in Cheyenne and Averi is growing by the second.

My baseball team, Cheyenne Post 6 Hawks won the Wyoming Legion B state title for the 6th consecutive year, won a junior regional championship and took 3rd place the Northern Colorado Baseball League Varsity division.

This year was much different than years past when in comes to the state championship, it was sweeter. For the past couple of years, team around the state have not had great teams, at the same time, my teams for the past few years have been very tough. This year my team was tough but there were also some other teams in the state to really challenge us. From that aspect, I found my nerves tested like they used to and on certain plays my fists were pumping like a kid again. I needed that.

I also got to stay home and watch Nick win the Wyoming state "AA" title for the third straight year and this was the 10th of 11th for Cheyenne Post 6 Baseball. Nick and I have been through a lot through out the years and I was glad I got to stay and be able to watch and share this memory with my little brother.

Overall it was a big year for my brothers and sister. Nick graduated from high school and looks to move on to the University of Wyoming. Sis finished up her associates degree from Laramie County Community College

and while she is unsure where she wants to finish her undergrad work, I am confident she will make the best decision for her. Dave is well on his way to finishing his undergrad work at UW and should only have a couple years left.

On the extended family end, my cousin Candice moved right next door to Carrie and I for the past 6 months and while her and I have always been close, Carrie and Candice also formed a special friendship. Candice got offered an awesome opportunity to move to New York for her job and while she has moved, we do have plans to visit.

With that said we also had to the chance to see our Uncles and Aunts from Guam/California. It has been years since we were all together and while this may be the last time, we will meet the experience was nothing short of memorable.

Last but not least Carrie accepted a job teaching 1st grade in Cheyenne. While Carrie has undoubtedly established herself as an excellent teacher, we do owe a debt of gratitude to our friends who helped make this happen. Therefore we do plan to make the move back to Cheyenne, with slight reluctance I might add, as we have fell in love with Fort Collins. Although we will miss it, it is only logical to make the move back.

While Carrie and I make the move back, Averi is taking it all in stride. Everyday is definitely a new adventure with her as she develops her own little personality. Our newest venture is potty training and while it only has been a couple of days, she is well on her way. We also found a daycare we feel comfortable with in Cheyenne and when we visited Averi did not want to leave.

Last but not least I got to visit my best friend whom I've known since kindergarten. I got a chance to go to Seattle for a conference for work and Brian and his wife Gracie came to visit as they live in Spokane. Brian and Gracie are expecting their first child this October, needless to say I am extremely excited!

All in all that is the last 6 months in a nutshell.

Mindful

This year has been a year to remember and I wanted to make sure of that. I wanted to take the time to "smell the roses" if you will. I made some life changing moves, from religion to my overall approach to life. I think for the first time in my life I am embracing "my life".

There are so many days I have taken for granted and with that I let life slip through my fingers. There have been too many times where I wanted to hurry through the day, week, season or whatever it may be. I am 28 years old now and looking back, I realize I have missed too much.

For years I try to satisfy my life with selfishness and through that I realize no satisfaction was ever enough. I had the chance to really learn from people this year and open my mind into another state. Moreover, having a daughter now forces me to look into a new direction all the while living in the now.

I remember laying in the grass as a child imagining the clouds in sky were not just clouds or the card board boxes used for our fortress was hand laid brick. Then when my daughter picks up a blank piece of paper and tears it into pieces and laughs hysterically, i think a little differently.

A cliche you hear a lot when you have a kid is, "you get to see the world again from a new perspective", this cliche is nothing short of the truth. For the first couple of months I took the popular phrase for granted and would dismiss it. Then, call it what you want, I had an epiphany. I realized it is 2010, I am married, I have a baby, a career and a life of my own. I think I forget that. I forget all the things around me for no good reason.

Therefore this year I have taken the time to see it all. For the first time I am mindful of all the things I have taken for granted. Whether it be my emotions, tangible or intangibles, people, places and so on, I am so much more mindful.

Remember Now

This November has gone by unbelievably fast. This time of year is my favorite and every year it seems to go by too fast! I have made the conscious this year more memorable. For the past year, I have turned a new leaf. I want to make a point to be mindful and no matter the emotion I come across, I will embrace.

While this is a time for giving thanks and being grateful, I am. I have more than I could ever ask for, a family, friends, a job and so much more.

I have read a lot more this year and learned to embrace whatever comes my way, good or bad, happy and sad.

I want to remember what I have now.

Beautiful

Beautiful
Originally uploaded by Sinbrad3

The Little Squeak

Spring in Your Step

Well Spring is just around the corner and life is not too shabby. Work is good for both Carrie and me, Averi is growing out of clothes like no one's business and we are all pretty excited for Grandparents in May. For Carrie and Averi this will be the first time they meet my Grandpa and Grandma Barker. Likewise soon after our Grandmom Sherrell will also be visiting from North Carolina and Averi has yet to meet her. May cannot come soon enough, between family, baseball and a growing little pipsqueak it will prove to be a great month of activities and special time with family.

There will be a lot going on this summer but first and foremost its about Duke right now. Baby Girl already is a big Duke fan and often sits and watches with me during the games. She also cries when she sees something she does not like, a bad pass she gets really upset(Ha). She does not know it yet but she will also be a big Yankee fan (She already has her jersey ready, thanks to Nicole) and of course a Rockies fan with the Helton jersey pressed and ready to go.

I cannot wait for her to attend her first baseball game! We attended the University of Wyoming men's basketball game back in February and she was so mesmerized by the whole thing, it was really neat to see. She loves to see all of the people, colors and all of the other fun stuff. Uncle Dave and my friend, Melonie, also met us at the game and the whole time the look on her face was priceless.

Averi loves to see new faces. Her first reaction is a stare down, then depending on your first move, you get a great big gummy smile or a shy away dish into mom or dad's shoulder. Aside from meeting new people she loves to be held, right now it does not matter who you are as long as you smile and give her a great big smile, the little cutie takes to you real quick. With all of the family we have, she has to be pretty versatile and not so picky about who she goes to.

Early this month she got to spend the day with the Salas'. Uncle Mike, Aunt Les, cousin Taylor and Shelby were all there to lend a hand. It had been a couple weeks since we had seen them and Averi was hesitant to start, yet warmed up quickly and ultimately had a great day!

Averi has had a pretty diverse babysitter club, between Carrie's family, Kristen the babysitter and all of my family, she will have a lot of people to thank when she gets older. Averi usually comes up to Cheyenne once or twice a week and gets to stay with her Grandaddy and Uncle Big Al in the morning, then G-Ma comes home, then comes Sis and then Uncle Needles which all leads to a spoiled little cutie pie. And she loves it.

When we are all finished at G-Ma's and Grandads, we usually make a trip to see Nana and Grandpa. Every time we go over there, I bring Averi up in her car seat and set her in the kitchen. Usually Grandpa is sitting watching TV with a cup of coffee and greets us with a "Hey Man! and Hey little girl!". While my Grandpa greets my Nana says "hello?" and "Did you bring the baby?", I laugh and reply with the affirmative and she quickly comes to the kitchen. She gets down on both knees like a little kid and sits back on her heels and proceeds to just stare and kiss Baby Girl. After a minute she pulls her out and my Grandpa and Nana ask how she is doing.

The little personality is starting to shine through. Let's just say she is definitely a little girl but a Daddy's girl. It is unfortunate to say but man she has me wrapped! Sometimes when I am tired, grumpy and just not happy, a simple smile can bring me back to life the way it should be spent.

With that said sometimes I do not know how Carrie does it. She has an incredible amount of patience, however she has put up with me all these years so I guess she is accustomed to it. However, some of those late nights, those nights when baby girl wakes up every ten minutes, Carrie is quick to her side and with no complaints. She is great. I on the other hand am not so patient and to my rescue comes my Carrie. She definitely has the touch when it comes to sleep whereas I am the antithesis to sleep for Averi, I am her cup of coffee as soon as she sees me. I think that is why Carrie tries to get her before I do, mostly because as soon as the little pipsqueak lays eyes on me apparently it is time to play!

All in all summer is going to be great. I look forward to all the friends and family and not to mention the big family barbeques!