Curiosity

I cannot help but want to try and remember even the most mundane parts of my life. Every day my wife takes the time to read to my kids, admittedly I do not read enough with them. Bo loves to read, he loves to read adventurous stories. As he begins to read, my teacher wife is there helping him along the way. It is fun to see how excited he gets when he knows a word and works through a word.  It is fun to see my wife get excited for him as well. These two make my life better is so many ways.

While my wife does not love these candid shots, I love them. I love to see the genuine expression. Bo is so intrigued by the story and excited to see the next word he knows. For a couple years now all Bo wants to do when he grows up is be a scientist. His general curiosity is exhilarating and for me it allows me to be a kid and be on his level. He reminds me to keep that childlike curiosity and appreciate the little things in life a little more.

My 5 Steps to being a Better Dad

I have two goals, live now and get better (be a better person).  Daily I work on these things and over the past 4-5 years I feel like I am getting better and attaining my ongoing goals.  As a parent of a 2 and 4 year old, I have similar goals but these are more my "be a better dad" goals. My better dad goals are to cultivate a strong relationship with my kids and make them feel loved. Those sound pretty simple, but I want those to go deeper so I have a developed a day to day guide. These are steps I have taken to make and attain my better dad goals. 

1. Listen.  We have all heard this before but really…. listen. I have no idea what my two year-old says half of the time but to them it is the most important thing in world. Bend over, get down on a knee, pick them up do whatever you have to do to be on their level and listen. Listen as if it is the last words that will come out of their mouth or as if it is the last sounds you will ever hear, I know that sounds a little morbid but this puts so much more meaning behind the word, LISTEN and you will not regret it. 
2. Talk with them. Ask them how they feel about this or that. Ask them what they want to do today or now or later. Almost every day we sit at our dinner table and we talk, no tv, no phones, just good old fashioned chit chat. When I get home from work, I ask them about their day and while at first I got the standard one word answers, my persistent barrage of questioning has led to elaborate details about their day. Now when I get home I do not even have to ask. For ten minutes, they both elaborate about their day. 
3. Use your manners.  There are times when an emotion may get the best of me and certain words come flying out of mouth. Those are generally the times when my kids just happen to be around and they just happen to repeat after me. That led me to be more cognizant of my everyday reactions to the world, thus brings me back to my personal goal of live in the now. 
4. Read to them. Our routine is a book, sometimes five, but every night we read. I read in my most enthusiastic and colorful voices because I want them to thing reading is fun. These are moments I want to be ours, there are no distractions and no one else but our little family. For those 10-15 minutes, we get lost in another world.  When we come back to reality, we talk about the story and say our good night.
5. Tell them goodnight and I love you. No matter the day I had, no matter the negativity I encountered that day, that moment when I kiss my kids goodnight, is the moment I let all of the negativity go. There is nothing in the world at that single moment other than me and my child. It may be brief, nonetheless it is our moment. If by some chance I do not wake up in the morning, I will have loved so much that my heart will be full.

Bo's Big Arrival

I know it is a few months late but better late than never. This is a story of the arrival of our son Bradley Sinclair Barker IV aka Bo. As many of you know Bo was about five days over cooked and while you may have heard a version of the story, here is my side.

May 4

On the night of May 4^th my sister was having a graduation party at my parents’ house. The party was well attended and ultimately ended with a plethora of laughs we will not forget. Just for the sake of a story I will share one before we move.

It was a warm spring night and everyone was having a good time. Carrie and I were off to the side chatting amongst friends, Sis was with us and while I forget what we were speaking about, Sis needed to show us something.

The screen door to my parents stayed open much of the night due to the traffic in and out. As Sis hurried inside, she was distracted by a friend and engaged in a side conversation. Not too long after, Sis concluded her conversation and remembered with glee what she previously ventured off to do. With excitement, she rushed off and up one stair to the house where she was met with a violent stop! As the now annihilated screen door fell to the ground, my sister was dazed with confusion. After the few seconds had passed, true to my sister’s character, laughed heartily. Yes, she was okay, the door however was never latched again.  

After nine months of anticipation nearly a week past a “due date” my nerves were at a peak. My sister’s encounter with a screen door helped to ease my nerves and ultimately make for a hearty laugh. As the night wore on Carrie and I joked about having the baby tonight and more seriously made sure we had a game plan together for Averi just in case it happened in the middle of the night.

Carrie’s doctor was located in Fort Collins where we lived for the past three years. We were adamant about having the baby there, due to the experience we had there with Averi just a couple years prior. A main concern of ours was making sure we were able to make it the 45 minutes it takes to get from Cheyenne to Fort Collins.

During one of our visits we voiced our concern about making it to the hospital on time and having the baby on the side of the road. She said convincingly, “1 in 500 chance of something like that happening. TV makes that seems like it happens a lot.” She also reminded us that it took Averi about 12 hours to arrive and two hours of active labor.  Our minds were immediately put to ease but it was still fun to joke about the thought.

What we forgot was, this pregnancy had been nothing easy and there was not one thing that seemed certain. From the start, we knew this pregnancy was going to be a far cry from Averi. Carrie’s pregnancy with Averi was a breeze, I often times forgot she was pregnant. Bo on the other hand made us dread going to the doctor nearly every time, because every time it seemed as though there was some sort of cause for concern.

 As my sister’s graduation party came to an end, we said our goodbyes and drove back to our apartment which was about a half mile away. On our drive home I asked Carrie jokingly if she was going to have a baby right now, she replied with a forceful “I wish.”

It seems like everyone has their own advice on how to make the baby come out sooner. While many of them seem foolish, there were a few worth giving a go. From bouncing on an exercise ball to eating spicy food, none of them seemed to work. We had given up, we set up an induction date and got our minds prepared for that.

After we arrived at our apartment, put Averi to sleep and we both slowly dozed off, Carrie woke up.

May 5

4:50am

“Brad….Brad…… Brad,” Carrie whispered.

 “What?” I replied back, still half asleep.

Carrie stayed very calm, “I think I am having contractions…”

Just a week before, we thought it may be time. We made the drive down to Fort Collins and slowly the feeling went away and was later confirmed by our doctor.

I nonchalantly replied, “How far apart are you?”

“About 8 minutes.”

“What! How long have they been going on for?”

“They just started about 4:30”

I was keeping my cool because Carrie seemed to be okay. I called my mom and she was soon on her way.

After I called my mom, I began to get things ready to go. I listened in on Carrie as she was going through her contractions, everything sounded normal. “WHAT the HELL!” I said to myself. “Carrie your contractions are only about FIVE MINUTES APART! LET’S GO” She said, “I know, I have to go the bathroom real quick.”

5:05am

PLOP!!!

My first thought was, “Did she just have the baby in the toilet!” My second thought was damn, eww!

“Carrie….” I asked hesitantly. “What the hell was that!?!”

“My water broke.” She replied casually.

5:10am

My mom showed up and the look on my face said it all. My mom, as non-panicky as she could, said “hurry up and leave.”

Carrie grabbed a blanket,  I grabbed our overnight bag and we headed to the car. As soon as she sits down, another contraction ensues.

5:20

We are approximately at the state line. Carrie and I are having second thoughts about the long drive ahead. With her contractions right at about five minutes apart the thought seemed very right, however between the thoughts and discussion and mix in another contraction, we were at the halfway point. We proceeded.

Carrie was doing great, breathing through her pain and keeping her cool. With every contraction my right foot seemed to get heavier. The first half of the drive went as smooth as it could go.

5:30 The Second Half

As you could imagine there are not many people on the road at 5:30am. This is key when driving a contraction having woman.

Carrie’s breathing soon became more intense and her contractions became more painful. She rolled her window down to get some air. I looked down at my speedometer and realized my foot was more nervous than I thought and I was going as fast as I have gone in a vehicle.

5:35

Carrie’s breathing soon evolved into, well the only way I can truly describe it as is, “an elongated teeth clinching, like your pushing  a truck out of mud, while someone is stabbing you in your quad……grunt.” With her shoulders pressed into the seat, her feet pressed against the floorboard and knees straight she let the aforementioned sound loose. My foot got heavier. I didn’t dare say a word.

5:40

Carrie’s body was half way out of the car at this point as she screamed to the mountains as I drove. She mentioned during all this that I may have to pullover.

Months earlier I facetiously noted I should bring some plastic bags to put over the seats, this thought was the first thing that popped into my head. My second thought was man I hope there aren’t any news crews strolling by if I do have to deliver this kid on the side of the road.

5:45

We were driving at an incredible pace. (Warning ensuing tangent ahead)Many of you that know me, I rarely speed, even if I have to. I can’t imagine getting pulled over, paying a fine and potentially have to pay more in insurance just because I was going to be late or because I wanted to get somewhere faster.

With that said, for most of the drive the last thing I wanted to do is get pulled over and have the baby on the side of the road. My other thought was damn, I am just going to have to keep going and they will have to arrest me at the hospital and I will have to meet my little guy next week.

While these thoughts roll through my head, right before the exit, a sheriff was driving north as we rumbled south. Carrie’s upper half was still screaming outside the window, she wasn’t exactly inconspicuous.

The sheriff stayed on his path and as we exited another officer soon followed. With Carrie’s body outside of the window, it is hard to imagine those sheriffs didn't see her but if they did I could imagine their thoughts may have been something like, “yikes, I will leave that for the next guy,” or “she is having a baby, it is too early for that madness.”

I sped along Prospect, running one red light. There are two train tracks with decent dips, I thought for sure Carrie would be having a baby soon after these bumps.

5:50

We were on the home stretch and only about a mile from the hospital. Carrie was ready and more importantly, Bo was ready. Before we left, Carrie had called our doctor letting them know of our anticipated arrival.

I sped up to the emergency room and jumped out of the car. As I ran around the car to open Carrie’s door, a security guard nonchalantly wheeled a wheel chair towards the car. I am not sure his pace could have been any slower. Carrie got out of the car.

She hunched over as another contraction took over her body and with breathless previous mentioned grunt screamed, “HE’S COMING OUT!!!!”

 During the contraction two nurses sprinted out the ER doors, Carrie straight-legged plopped down in the wheel chair. “I CAN FEEL HIS HEAD COMING OUT!”

The nurses rushed Carrie inside. I stood out by the car, the security guard and I exchanged a look of, “What the F#$% just happened?”

 I knew Carrie was in good hands and from experience I knew this part may take a while, so I casually got into the car and went to find a parking space. I didn’t want to come out to park the car again later, therefore I parked in the main parking lot, a little ways down to limit the chance of door dings.

5:55

On my way back in I walked briskly towards the ER entrance. During my walk in I sent texts out to update our family. As I entered through the automatic door at the ER, I was greeted by a staff member and they questioned me about Carrie, insurance and that good stuff.  

In the background, I heard some hearty screams going on.

I heard Carrie’s scream echo down the hall as one of the nurses escorted me to Carrie’s whereabouts. I said to the nurse, “that’s my wife, I think I can find my way.” That was the last scream I heard. I looked to my left and through a slightly opened curtain, I saw a glimpse of panicky nurses rushing around. Another employee grabbed me before I entered, I was growing impatient with these questions as my wife lie in pain and my new son begins to make his way into the world.

6:00

I entered the room where Carrie lies motionless. In the room there were about 6-9 nurses and doctors. Carrie was in the middle of the room and there she lay with complete exhaustion. Her eyes were closed, her head lay still looking to the right.

“What just happened?” I murmured to myself. A nurse walked by, “Congratulations Dad!” “Thanks???” I said.

I immediately tend to Carrie’s side, she opens her eyes and smiles briefly before shutting down again. I look up and across the room was a small bed of some sort with, what I assume to be a heating lamp. Under that lamp was a toddler.

“How is she doing?” I asked.

“She is fine and did great.  The birth was fast so his head is a little bruised but he is a cutie! What’s his name?” a nurse asked me.

“Who?” I questioned half-jokingly.

With a giant smile, “Your new little boy” and gestured with her head towards the toddler.

I laughed. “Damn that kid is huge! Of course that is my kid.”

Bo rushed into the world. He was 9.2 pounds and 21 inches long.

Not too much later, we all made our way up to the maternity ward.  I walked along side Carrie while trying to get a glimpse of my new little guy. His forehead was a bluish color because of the quick delivery.  In his little hat and blanket wrapped body, he slept.

As we walked I text everyone again and let them know the good news. When we got to the elevator, I kissed Carrie on her head and with enormous admiration, I said “Good job, kid. I love you.”

Recomposed

Over these past 5 years, I have learned a lot about the world, people and most importantly myself. I feel like I have grown enormously over these years and as time goes on I know it will only grow more and become an even better person.

My world has become significantly simplified and Carrie, while at first hesitant, embraced my new found ways and eventually jumped on with me. Carrie has been so supportive since her and I met. As some know, I try to make my life simple and by doing so I have made my world all the more comfortable, however this came with a price. I found something to help about five years ago and while guilt plagued my first few years, I am now at peace with my

decisions. (sounds all zennish, weird)

For the past few years, I would fight with myself constantly and force myself into beliefs and therefore pushing my guilt further and further through the roof. I would lie to people, just because I knew that is what they wanted to hear, I began to have an internal war day in and day out.

I grew up a certain way, my family, particularly my mom always had a strong belief and was often vocal. My dad on the other hand has always been fairly open minded, nonetheless was always strong in faith. We rarely talked of faith, I think for the most part it was just expected, likewise it was ingrained in me as well, in my mind there is no other way.

(Personally, I think faith is great, our plan for Averi is to have her baptized, but as you can imagine, let her feel and think the way she wants. I definitely am not that guy to push a feeling on someone.)

After years of detriment these past two years have been so much better. I realized how much I was holding onto, both physically and mentally. I found myself cluttering my mind and life with stuff because I just didn't want to let go. I had stuff from high school and earlier, sitting in storage around the house and in my mind, needless to say I was cluttering my life. I now have a small, four inch by four inch tin box that houses everything. It was a lot easier than most would think and in all honesty I feel better.

With that said, this was one thing Carrie fought the most, while I never forced her to let anything go, there were several advertent remarks. Times I knew new I could make the most progress was when her mom would give her stuff boxes of things from her childhood, Carrie would gasp ask the rhetorical question, "who keeps that?". Eventually Carrie and I went through every piece of, well stuff, she had and narrowed it all down to a small box.

During the somewhat painful process of elimination, I got to learn a lot about Carrie and I think Carrie had fun with it eventually. She got to tell me more about her life than I ever really knew. I think if it were her doing it by herself, there would have been a lot more boxes kept. :) Carrie and I have both continued to rid our lives of the stuff that is replaceable.

The next step for me was and still is to keep my mind clutter free as well. Through writing and daily brain dumps as I will refer to them as, I have helped myself and likely those around me from my inner mayhem. Instead of ridding my self of certain feelings, I embrace them. Instead of always trying to make myself happy, I let it be. Sometimes, I feel shitty, sometimes I feel angry and sometimes I feel happy, while I like to be happy, what is so wrong with being pissed or sad?

I often would loathe in self pity or feel completely guilty for being angry at someone. I found out, that is just how it is. Three years ago I would forget that, with every blink, with every step, life is moving on and all of my feelings would soon wane too. Today, sometimes I am just pissed, sometimes for the moment sad and the moment I began to embrace, I began to understand

those emotions a bit more.

Anger, guilt, sadness, happiness or whatever it may be will nonetheless dissipate so while in

those states of emotion, I bask in them, if Think about them, think about why because within

minutes it probably will not be there for long. Needless to say, while it may be hard for some to understand this, it has made perfect sense to me.

There is one thing I have notice during my de-cluttering lifestyle, it is a constant practice, taking

days off require many catch up sessions. In many ways I like that part. I like that this is a daily part of my life. Before, I would only use things at certain times, or when I needed it or wondered why it wasn't there when I needed it, which led me to guilt.

As I write this, I look across the street and see what has made so much of me, me. I appreciate it, but for the first time I am looking back at it and not feeling any guilt.

Too Fast!!!

The year is moving by super fast, it seems like just yesterday we were celebrating Christmas. It's August 1st, baseball season is over, Nick graduated high school, Sis got her associates degree, Carrie got a job in Cheyenne and Averi is growing by the second.

My baseball team, Cheyenne Post 6 Hawks won the Wyoming Legion B state title for the 6th consecutive year, won a junior regional championship and took 3rd place the Northern Colorado Baseball League Varsity division.

This year was much different than years past when in comes to the state championship, it was sweeter. For the past couple of years, team around the state have not had great teams, at the same time, my teams for the past few years have been very tough. This year my team was tough but there were also some other teams in the state to really challenge us. From that aspect, I found my nerves tested like they used to and on certain plays my fists were pumping like a kid again. I needed that.

I also got to stay home and watch Nick win the Wyoming state "AA" title for the third straight year and this was the 10th of 11th for Cheyenne Post 6 Baseball. Nick and I have been through a lot through out the years and I was glad I got to stay and be able to watch and share this memory with my little brother.

Overall it was a big year for my brothers and sister. Nick graduated from high school and looks to move on to the University of Wyoming. Sis finished up her associates degree from Laramie County Community College

and while she is unsure where she wants to finish her undergrad work, I am confident she will make the best decision for her. Dave is well on his way to finishing his undergrad work at UW and should only have a couple years left.

On the extended family end, my cousin Candice moved right next door to Carrie and I for the past 6 months and while her and I have always been close, Carrie and Candice also formed a special friendship. Candice got offered an awesome opportunity to move to New York for her job and while she has moved, we do have plans to visit.

With that said we also had to the chance to see our Uncles and Aunts from Guam/California. It has been years since we were all together and while this may be the last time, we will meet the experience was nothing short of memorable.

Last but not least Carrie accepted a job teaching 1st grade in Cheyenne. While Carrie has undoubtedly established herself as an excellent teacher, we do owe a debt of gratitude to our friends who helped make this happen. Therefore we do plan to make the move back to Cheyenne, with slight reluctance I might add, as we have fell in love with Fort Collins. Although we will miss it, it is only logical to make the move back.

While Carrie and I make the move back, Averi is taking it all in stride. Everyday is definitely a new adventure with her as she develops her own little personality. Our newest venture is potty training and while it only has been a couple of days, she is well on her way. We also found a daycare we feel comfortable with in Cheyenne and when we visited Averi did not want to leave.

Last but not least I got to visit my best friend whom I've known since kindergarten. I got a chance to go to Seattle for a conference for work and Brian and his wife Gracie came to visit as they live in Spokane. Brian and Gracie are expecting their first child this October, needless to say I am extremely excited!

All in all that is the last 6 months in a nutshell.

Mindful

This year has been a year to remember and I wanted to make sure of that. I wanted to take the time to "smell the roses" if you will. I made some life changing moves, from religion to my overall approach to life. I think for the first time in my life I am embracing "my life".

There are so many days I have taken for granted and with that I let life slip through my fingers. There have been too many times where I wanted to hurry through the day, week, season or whatever it may be. I am 28 years old now and looking back, I realize I have missed too much.

For years I try to satisfy my life with selfishness and through that I realize no satisfaction was ever enough. I had the chance to really learn from people this year and open my mind into another state. Moreover, having a daughter now forces me to look into a new direction all the while living in the now.

I remember laying in the grass as a child imagining the clouds in sky were not just clouds or the card board boxes used for our fortress was hand laid brick. Then when my daughter picks up a blank piece of paper and tears it into pieces and laughs hysterically, i think a little differently.

A cliche you hear a lot when you have a kid is, "you get to see the world again from a new perspective", this cliche is nothing short of the truth. For the first couple of months I took the popular phrase for granted and would dismiss it. Then, call it what you want, I had an epiphany. I realized it is 2010, I am married, I have a baby, a career and a life of my own. I think I forget that. I forget all the things around me for no good reason.

Therefore this year I have taken the time to see it all. For the first time I am mindful of all the things I have taken for granted. Whether it be my emotions, tangible or intangibles, people, places and so on, I am so much more mindful.

Remember Now

This November has gone by unbelievably fast. This time of year is my favorite and every year it seems to go by too fast! I have made the conscious this year more memorable. For the past year, I have turned a new leaf. I want to make a point to be mindful and no matter the emotion I come across, I will embrace.

While this is a time for giving thanks and being grateful, I am. I have more than I could ever ask for, a family, friends, a job and so much more.

I have read a lot more this year and learned to embrace whatever comes my way, good or bad, happy and sad.

I want to remember what I have now.